Official Story – The Non-Engagement

My heart had completely changed in the months of the dating contract. I had gone from praying that Phin and I would not end up together to feeling fully confident that it would be the best thing in my life if we did. Even knowing this, the thought of facing that yes or no moment was still frightening. Phin promised me that he would not ask until I was ready.

It began to get easier to talk about future plans and dream together about our future life. Every once in a while I could even talk about how I envisioned a wedding, but often these discussions would end with Phin reassuring me that there was no hurry.

One Saturday over a late breakfast, Phin casually asked, “Would you want to design a ring together?” Who could pass up an invitation like this? I love designing, and although my jewelry design experience had been limited to safety pin bracelets, a ring sounded like an exciting fun challenge. That afternoon we decided to check out a jewelry boutique that specializes in facilitating the design process. We wanted to get an idea of how complicated it would be to buy a ring designed by us.

The place was intimidating with small work spaces set up, but once I saw the latte machine and comfy couches, I was ready to put on my creative hat. We looked at other designs, and an image of what I wanted formed in my head. Phin was amazing at being able to capture that idea and draw it on paper. Before long we had several sketches of an idea for a ring that was full of personal meaning for us. I was excited to see what the next step of the process would be.

Sophie, a design consultant, was called over to discuss the practicalities. She offered some suggestions and with modifications we soon had a concept that was ready to be modeled. Before she could send it over, however, she needed a deposit on the ring. I was so caught up in the creative excitement that when Phin asked if we were ready, I eagerly assented.

“Congratulations on your engagement,” Sophie said as she took Phin’s credit card.

“Oh, we aren’t engaged!” I declared emphatically, the significance of the last two hours slowly dawning on me. Sophie tried to dismiss the awkward moment with a bright smile as she walked away. I looked at Phin wondering how he was taking my declaration.

He had an understanding smile on his face and leaned over. “You do know this means that we are getting married, right?” he quietly asked with very calm patience. I nodded and it didn’t feel scary at all. From that moment we were officially getting married, although not yet engaged.

Official Story - The Option to Renew!

The care free fun of dating under the rules of the contract lasted approximately one month. Although in the dating world six months can be a long time and seemed appropriate when we began, it became clear that the option to renew signified a much deeper commitment (perhaps even talk of the “M” word). I realized that I only had five months to devise and implement an evaluation (refusing to call it a test) to determine if I wanted to share my life with anyone in general, and specifically with Phin.

About this time Phin had a similar revelation and came up with a very logical approach for his assessment. He made a list of topics that in his mind needed to be discussed and resolved prior to any further commitment on his part. (Apparently my reluctance to answer any question head-on caused some serious unease.) He let me know what these topics were and I was not worried about being compatible in the areas of his concern.

My criterion was much more difficult to ascertain. I felt like I had a solid understanding of Phin’s character, but was unsure of how our personalities would interact in the long-term. His natural reactions in various circumstances needed to be analyzed, and as I did not want observation to alter behavior, I kept quiet on the issues/personality traits that were important to me.

Not surprisingly, the not knowing which events I would find significant proved to have an un-balancing effect on Phin. In light of this, it was perhaps unfortunate that canoeing was the first adventure where I consciously assessed how we functioned as a couple. It did not bode well that by the time we hauled the canoe out from the water, I was convinced that next time we would paddle around in separate kayaks.

Although nowhere close to life in the ordinary, an international trip seemed like a fun way to discover if our differing quirks could find a harmonious rhythm. Being constantly together for three weeks, meeting my family, and dealing with the unexpected in travel gave us plenty of opportunities to enjoy the companionship while grappling with the uniqueness of one another.

In the end, I found it did not matter if there were more checks in the pro column of my mental compatibility chart. Phin had shown me a heart that was willing to work towards being compatible, which is much more reassuring. Although any thought of a proposal with “death do us part” consequences was still mildly terrifying, I did come back from Europe confident that I wanted to renew the contract indefinitely.