Official Story - The Ring Arrives

It became clear in the weeks following our foray into designing jewelry that we were indeed amateurs. Sophie was very patient with us as we revised and tweaked the renderings. It was not easy to find words that would communicate our vision into an art form that was both meaningful and beautiful. After much back and forth, a wax model was created and I was called in to give one final inspection before the casting in metal could commence.

The ring structure was exquisite. We had wanted a three cord strand to represent the marriage equation: Man + Woman intertwined and connected by God = Husband and Wife. (Think chemistry rather than calculus.) Sophie had sorted through tons of tiny rubies to find the reddest ones to embed in the top of the ring. The stones sparkled and greeted me with enthusiasm for their share in this new adventure. I knew their tiny glittering was the perfect choice to remind me to be a good wife, one who would show God’s love to Phin. It seemed serendipitous that the ruby is the birth stone for both Phin and me. (Although I am now convinced that any type of precious or semi-precious stone will represent the month you were born, depending on the chart referenced.)

I was delighted with the little green wax model and did not want to take it off my finger. The store was closing, so with resolute fingers I slid the wax from my hand. Apparently my grip was heavy handed and the wax model snapped into two pieces. Sophie assured me that this would not impede the casting process and once made from metal, the ring would be structurally sound. The metal of choice was palladium, and I am now wondering how much of Phin’s hereto unknown fascination with Iron Man influenced this decision!

One week later, Phin called to let me know that my ring was ready and needed to be picked up by me. It felt strange to be the first to see it and take it home. The ring was perfect – so unassuming but delicate and beautiful. The frustration of having it in my possession but not being able to wear it was demonstrating my patience. For the first time, I felt an urgency and huge desire to be engaged. Perhaps some may wonder if at night when the shades were closed and doors locked, I took the ring from its small cushioned case and practiced wearing it. Well, that I will never tell, but I had another question that I wanted to answer, and it was with eager anticipation that I awaited for Phin’s arrival that upcoming weekend!

Official Story – The Non-Engagement

My heart had completely changed in the months of the dating contract. I had gone from praying that Phin and I would not end up together to feeling fully confident that it would be the best thing in my life if we did. Even knowing this, the thought of facing that yes or no moment was still frightening. Phin promised me that he would not ask until I was ready.

It began to get easier to talk about future plans and dream together about our future life. Every once in a while I could even talk about how I envisioned a wedding, but often these discussions would end with Phin reassuring me that there was no hurry.

One Saturday over a late breakfast, Phin casually asked, “Would you want to design a ring together?” Who could pass up an invitation like this? I love designing, and although my jewelry design experience had been limited to safety pin bracelets, a ring sounded like an exciting fun challenge. That afternoon we decided to check out a jewelry boutique that specializes in facilitating the design process. We wanted to get an idea of how complicated it would be to buy a ring designed by us.

The place was intimidating with small work spaces set up, but once I saw the latte machine and comfy couches, I was ready to put on my creative hat. We looked at other designs, and an image of what I wanted formed in my head. Phin was amazing at being able to capture that idea and draw it on paper. Before long we had several sketches of an idea for a ring that was full of personal meaning for us. I was excited to see what the next step of the process would be.

Sophie, a design consultant, was called over to discuss the practicalities. She offered some suggestions and with modifications we soon had a concept that was ready to be modeled. Before she could send it over, however, she needed a deposit on the ring. I was so caught up in the creative excitement that when Phin asked if we were ready, I eagerly assented.

“Congratulations on your engagement,” Sophie said as she took Phin’s credit card.

“Oh, we aren’t engaged!” I declared emphatically, the significance of the last two hours slowly dawning on me. Sophie tried to dismiss the awkward moment with a bright smile as she walked away. I looked at Phin wondering how he was taking my declaration.

He had an understanding smile on his face and leaned over. “You do know this means that we are getting married, right?” he quietly asked with very calm patience. I nodded and it didn’t feel scary at all. From that moment we were officially getting married, although not yet engaged.

Official Story - The Option to Renew!

The care free fun of dating under the rules of the contract lasted approximately one month. Although in the dating world six months can be a long time and seemed appropriate when we began, it became clear that the option to renew signified a much deeper commitment (perhaps even talk of the “M” word). I realized that I only had five months to devise and implement an evaluation (refusing to call it a test) to determine if I wanted to share my life with anyone in general, and specifically with Phin.

About this time Phin had a similar revelation and came up with a very logical approach for his assessment. He made a list of topics that in his mind needed to be discussed and resolved prior to any further commitment on his part. (Apparently my reluctance to answer any question head-on caused some serious unease.) He let me know what these topics were and I was not worried about being compatible in the areas of his concern.

My criterion was much more difficult to ascertain. I felt like I had a solid understanding of Phin’s character, but was unsure of how our personalities would interact in the long-term. His natural reactions in various circumstances needed to be analyzed, and as I did not want observation to alter behavior, I kept quiet on the issues/personality traits that were important to me.

Not surprisingly, the not knowing which events I would find significant proved to have an un-balancing effect on Phin. In light of this, it was perhaps unfortunate that canoeing was the first adventure where I consciously assessed how we functioned as a couple. It did not bode well that by the time we hauled the canoe out from the water, I was convinced that next time we would paddle around in separate kayaks.

Although nowhere close to life in the ordinary, an international trip seemed like a fun way to discover if our differing quirks could find a harmonious rhythm. Being constantly together for three weeks, meeting my family, and dealing with the unexpected in travel gave us plenty of opportunities to enjoy the companionship while grappling with the uniqueness of one another.

In the end, I found it did not matter if there were more checks in the pro column of my mental compatibility chart. Phin had shown me a heart that was willing to work towards being compatible, which is much more reassuring. Although any thought of a proposal with “death do us part” consequences was still mildly terrifying, I did come back from Europe confident that I wanted to renew the contract indefinitely.

Official Story - The Contract

The next time I saw Phin we were both at a conference north of the border in the wild town of Vancouver. I was working on an essay about roundabout design and agreed to meet Phin for coffee to take advantage of his proof reading and editing skills. It was a night of great conversation in which we mostly avoided the serious talks about us. The late hour and caffeine finally kicked in and contributed to a tongue slip in which I admitted that I secretly thought dating him would be tons of fun.

The next day we took a walk around the city where the sidewalks were shoulder to shoulder with people. It was easy to tell what line of discussion was percolating in Phin’s head, but voicing any questions in the crowds was difficult. For my part, I thought it was clear that the topic was off limits, and to avoid answering the inquiring look coming from Phin, I glanced at the guy walking next to me. To my surprise my gaze locked on that of a giant lizard peering around a fellow pedestrian’s neck. I was just not expecting a lizard to be giving me such a soul searching look, and my shock took the shape of a jump to the side. There was no room for such a jump on the crowded streets, and I landed in Phin’s arms.

It seemed like people on the streets continued walking around us without missing a beat, while Phin and I were suddenly stopped by my surprise tackle. His laughing eyes were much kinder than that of the lizard, and he had to ask, “Will you go out with me?”

“I can’t,” I sadly replied, and he slowly put me down. It was clear that he didn’t understand and I tried to explain, “Dating you would be great, but I’m not ready for another break-up, and I’m not convinced that we would be good together for life.”

“It sounds like what you want is a dating contract that will automatically end in 6 months,” he replied wryly.

“That’s exactly what I want,” I exclaimed excitedly. Then after looking at him, I realized, “Oh, you were only kidding?”

“Well,” he replied slowly, “if you would consider dating me and we have the option to renew after 6 months, I would be willing to discuss a contract.” Just then we happened upon our colleagues and had to say our group goodbyes. Phin gave me a professional handshake and with a straight face promised to keep in touch. A few days later, over a 9 hour phone call, we hashed out the fine print of our contract – We were now officially dating until the end of February with an option to renew.

The Official Story - The Butterflies

For me the dating process has never been much fun. Of course there are moments/days and even weeks of joy, but with a hard squint one can always glimpse the circling shark fin indicating a future heartbreak for someone. At the end of the “Craters of the Moon” weekend, I left Phin with a bit of unease. It really seemed like he was in collusion with Someone to pull off the perfect trip - complete with sunsets, a full moon, adventurous exploration and even waterfalls rivaling Niagara to lure my cynical self into unclear waters.

I had always felt perfectly comfortable being with Phin. In fact, in my opinion, we were a little too comfortable with each other since there was no stomach knotting excitement in our interaction. As we sat on the craggy rock watching the sun disappear behind the purple streaked mountain, I was surprised to discover a fluttery excitement. It was so great to share this beautiful moment with someone who had turned my hazy ideas into an actual adventure, creating an exceptional day. The flutters took the shape of butterflies, and one bold creature had the audacity to ask, “Could this be the guy who would help turn thoughts for an extraordinary life into realistic daily living?”

I quickly smothered this butterfly with explanations of nature contriving a romance. The whole episode would be classified as an isolated dip into dating. However, I was soon to learn that once the butterflies are let loose, it is difficult to cram them back into their cocoon – especially ones this audacious.

We Interrupt this Program...

I have recently been swamped by "to do" lists (one of which contains -update the blog), and I also got ambushed by a cold. When I came to work today this cheerful creature was giving me a motivational cheer! "Ready... OK!"



Don't worry - I plan to get back to the series soon - at this rate there may be a wedding before the full story of "HOW" is truly answered! Don't be surprized if the story is fully revealed at our 25th wedding anniversary party!

The Official Story - Part 1

Introduction

It did not take a psychiatrist to diagnose my commitment phobic condition; I was able to do this part on my own. The cause and cure were a different matter, however, and I resolved to get some expert advice. After several false starts I finally managed to make an appointment with a counselor and even went so far as to attend one of the sessions we arranged. I had a vague idea that counseling would be fun. After explaining my situation, the counselor would expound on my thought processes giving good reasons for my behavioral patterns. I would leave with a new understanding of the way my mind worked and a game plan to become “normal”.

This was a couple of years ago, and I still remember it as being one of the most painful hours of my life. I had not realized that I would be expected to talk about myself the entire time and answer questions I would rather not even think about, let alone discuss out loud. I was not the only one having a difficult time - about 45 minutes into it, the counselor looked at her watch and with beads of sweat forming on her brow announced that this session was worse than pulling teeth. Perhaps if I had continued week after week, I would have gained some incredible insight. Instead I decided my commitment troubles were only mildly inconvenient and learned that therapy was not for me. I decided that if I was to ever share my life with someone, he would have to be amazing and convince me to commit without much help or encouragement from my side. Secretly I prepared to live a life complete within myself.

Phin and I had known each other for a while, but characteristically I had managed to keep him at a “friends” arm length away. He lived in Idaho and to make conversation I once mentioned that visiting “Craters of the Moon” was on my life to-do list. He immediately invited me on a camping trip, and after agreeing but never committing for three summer’s in a row, I found myself in a position of no excuse. It was a weekend where my job took me to Boise and so one Friday afternoon in July, we set off in his monster huge truck for adventures in the desert. I was slightly concerned about the camping aspect of the trip never dreaming that the moon landscape would be the launch pad for our colliding lives.




Author's Note: Originally this was supposed to be a one sentence introduction, but the story got away from me. I'm afraid the series may be longer than I had anticipated!

The Exciting News!

Phin (almost his real name) and I are getting married (and yes – to each other)!!!!! Thankfully, the narrative did not follow my three day plan which some of you might remember as going something like this…

1. Meet the guy the day before my 35th birthday
2. Get engaged on my birthday
3. Get married at 35 and a day

No wonder I was always a little scared that I would accidentally get engaged and married and spend the rest of my life wondering what happened. Eventually I would be forced to escape my messy life by disappearing into the wilds of the south pacific islands.

The real story is one that clearly shows God’s love and grace. I am not finding myself “accidentally” engaged, which in itself is a huge relief. In the next few weeks, I will chronicle an answer to the question, “How did this incredible blessing happen?” Details will be provided in a series of mostly non-fictional anecdotes, including the events of the actual engagement (as soon as Phin and I get our stories straight)… so stay tuned!!!

Recap of a European Excursion

First stop with sister, brother-in-law, and dad (not pictured): Rome

A trip with my dad to see Martin Luther's Hideout: Wartburg Castle

A fellow sightseer at a German castle: Hohenschwangau

Two of us in a magical place: Neuschwanstein

Freezing our feathers off in the City of Lights: Paris